Currently Listening Awake By Secondhand Serenade see related

No one updates on xanga anymore: we have all lost touch....or at least i have....ahhh, i'm so sick.....i wish i had something to say, but my mind is so blank.... its been so overcrowded lately, i need to find an escape.... at one point i wanted to escape my life, literally, i was so detached from reality, and no one would have ever known.... i'm like that, you'll never know what i feel like, trust me.... you'll never really know, unless i trust you..... i don't trust anyone.....  i don't want to escape my life anymore, i just want to escape my mind, i think so much, and it hurts..... its like i want to explode, i want to let out all the tension that builds up in my mind.... the only way to get rid of it is to hurt myself physically.... when i can i scream into a pillow until my throat hurts so much that i can't scream anymore.... otherwise i scratch my hand until its all red..... or i hit my arm really hard.... i wouldn't ever cut, thats kinda weird, but who am i to talk.....thats my problem, i think so god damn much, i need to escape my stupid head, its so frustrating..... i think i'm going to die someday, and i won't even know it, i'll just die, and i'll lay there, just like i am now, with a blank face, just writing and shaking and rocking back and forth..... i don't know what i'm saying, this is so like me.... thats my problem, i want happiness so much that i try to hard.... but i can't stop it, i'm addicted to hurting myself..... hope is so fucked up, i hate it, i wish hope would go and die in a fucking sewer, hope screws me over..... because no matter how much i wish i didn't hurt myself, i can't stop because of goddamn hope.... i haven't sworn in a long while, i'll stop now, just had to write..................................................

life is crazy sometimes, you think you understand part of your life
and how it is going to go, and then it takes a whole new turn.
Something happens that is unexpected or suprising, and it just changes
you a little bit, even if it is just a little. That is the beauty of
life, you just never know. I thought life was going to be something,
now I think it is something else, and I think it will be something
else, but you just can't know, everything is just thoughts, and that
is just the greatest part. This summer I will not see any of you, I
will not be around from the day school gets out until the day school
starts, but that is okay, because I am going to escape what I know,
and explore what i have never explored before, and that really does
make me feel infinite, because I am going to be there, being something
I have never known before. I won't see my immediate family for the
whole summer, and that is okay, because it will be different. I
promise to keep my name, but I don't promise anything else. I promise
that I will think of you at least once, even if it is only for a brief
second. I will try to live through, but if you don't ever see me
again, its because I've become someone or something else, I'll miss
you xanga, I'll miss you Hillary, and Superman over there, Embry,
Sarra, Christina, and everyone else that I read about here... until
then... farewell.... even though the school year isn't over, this is
over :)